the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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