dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
