Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
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