When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
