There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
