Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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