Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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