he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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