My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize
