What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
