He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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