I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
