who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Randomize
