Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Randomize
