Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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