Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
