Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
