the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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