Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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