Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Floor bacon is actually really good
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
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