drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Watching her eat just hurts me
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
