how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
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