Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Randomize
