I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize