so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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