How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I'm eating all of the evidence.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
