We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
