I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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