i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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