If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
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