the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Randomize
