If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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