so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize