I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Randomize
