My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
