when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
