Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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