eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
