i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
You pole danced in your parka.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
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