I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Randomize
