Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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