i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
