It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
