We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
