There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
