She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Randomize
