I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Randomize
