Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Ketchup is God's man juice
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
