The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Randomize
