I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize