After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
