There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Randomize
