Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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