I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Randomize
