im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
