i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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