My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
