proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
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