Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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