so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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