God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
3pm strippers are depressing
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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