dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
