Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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