Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
